A few weeks ago I was talking my friend through some lady and he said, "The only girls our age are married, on missions, or you!" I laughed, because well. it was funny. and truer than true. but lately, I've been feeling that hit me right in the gut. (the situation, not what he said, I'm not even almost mad about what he said, cause like I said, it's true!)
I'm at the most awkward stage of my life. 80% of my good friends are on missions, and when they come back, they will proceed on with school. Me? I'm done with what school I want for the time being (and probably forever if we're being honest), and I don't see myself going back in the near future. I have a lot of free time, and I'm not a poor starving student. (#realtalk) I've always been like, Oh when Jessy gets back it'll all be better. but then it hit me, it won't be that different. she'll go on with college and yada yada, and I'll stay the same.
I'm just at this stupid awkward phase of life and I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not saying I want to get married or anything, but I guess I just wouldn't mind some change.
As Randy Pausch said, in The Last Lecture, “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
I know Heavenly Father dealt me these cards for a reason, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it for now.
Now WHO WANTS TO GO TO SAN FRANSISCO WITH ME?
AND IT WAS POSITIVE!
that felt good.
Then last night, as I was staying up wayyy too late watercoloring my life away, there was a fly. actually, there were two. they just decided to linger around my workspace, and make me curse at them, knowing I didn't have the speed to swat them to their deaths.
but that fly landed my desk, and by gosh I took a lid to it and it DIED.
that felt good too.
Little things have been making me feel really empowered lately. a successful day at a busy busy doctors office, for example. it's way intimidating, but the feeling at the end of the day is unbeatable.
I didn't give anyone the wrong vaccination! I didn't kill anyone! HOLLER!
That's how I'm choosing to look at my day tomorrow. one of the busiest doctors to work with, but by gosh, 5:00 (or probably 6:00) is gonna feel GREAT. let's hope. #prayforme
chemo is soul-sucking. end of story. at the beginning, one of my best friends, who has seen a close family member go through this, sent me one hell of a text. full of realistic expectations, but at the same time, encouragement. she told me that I would be a beacon to my mom; that I had my dad, and other siblings, but that I would be the light that my mom needs. It sounds like a lot of pressure, and sometimes it is, but luckily I am mentally healthy enough to hand things over to my dad and get out for a while when I need to. and you know what? it may be a big job, but I'm happy to do it. my mom and dad raised me in the most perfect way possible. I think about how I want to raise my kids, and I wouldn't do a thing different.
so I'm happy to share this little light of mine to the woman who raised me.
Since the last round was especially scary and sucky, I have been preparing mentally for this one more than before. I am so grateful for a worthy priesthood holder for a dad, and that I can feel the peace that a blessing brings.
So I'm ready to be brave. but it is my belief, from personal experience, that bravery isn't 24/7. if you are brave all the time, then you have some serious bottled-up issues, and I know a good therapist.
I've been the new guy about 5 different times, and it's really not the most enjoyable thing in the world! but I'm done training, and I've just realized that my life is now pretty much a waiting game... waiting for people to ask me to work for them. which kind of sucks, but then again it KIND OF ROCKS. I can do whatever the heck I want all day, man! I have a summer life! (notice I did not say "Social" before life...)
I'm guessing I'll learn pretty quickly if I hate or love being PRN. it's most likely an acquired taste, but I'm not too picky. so I'm optimistic about it. besides, I haven't worked in any office so far that I absolutely hated. so we got that goin' for us.
I've made a couple rookie mistakes, and gotten right back in the game.
I'm pretty dang proud of myself.
is perfect. so much of it reflects what I have been thinking for a while.
it's important to me that my future husband is temple-worthy, hard-working, and Christ-like.
a mission is a plus, but they aren't for everyone.
When Amanda left on her mission, I wrote her an iffy letter. She had some worries, probably the same worries that everyone has. that she'd get out there, and hate it. that she would get out there, and want to come right back home.
I have some breaking news for you all. 1. Missions aren't for everyone, and 2. It is ok to admit defeat.
but I didn't write that. I wrote, "YOU WERE MADE FOR THIS. You were made to GO on this mission. maybe you'll go for 18 months, maybe less"
I know. pessimistic. I know. My point is, what EVER is thrown at you,what ever you are going through, what ever you are planning, whatever you are not doing. you were made for.
Heavenly Father gave you your personality, and it is fit for what ever he put in your plan.
Things are hard, deal with it how will you will, but you were made for it. whatever "it" is.
Tonight I was feeling restless and gross. Does that ever happen to you? I was in the house most of the day, working on one reeeeally tricky graphic for Mormon.org. it is one of the best quotes about mothers I think I've ever heard, so I feel pressure to get it just right. (I've completely started over on it 4 times.... Haha. Ha. Help.)
SO. after sitting on my duff for hours, I just felt blech. I needed air. So I drove to Sonic with my windows down, not really minding the chill, cause... I needed air. I sipped my dirty diet coke on the way home and decided that the best way out of that funk was to de-funk my space. So I watched New Girl, and cleaned my room. (The DC never more than 5 feet from me. I might have a problem)
Cleaning my room has always been a really good way for me to chill when I'm stressed, sad, and especially mad. I turned on every lightbulb in the place, let the fresh air swim in through the window, and de-cluttered while quoting along with "peeeernis...." (If you understand then we are best friends)
Now I'm sitting on my cozy bed in my clean room, catching up on Greys (I'm like 2 seasons behind but when something as monumental as BURKE coming back happens, ya gotta get your SCT together and catch up. Then again if Christina is leaving, do I actually want to catch up??)
Anyways. I'm feeling' good.
(Next time: Holly escapes a near-tow experience and goes to Jiffy Lube like a big girl.)